It looks like there’s some more bad news for ladies this week.
The popular over the counter morning after pill, Plan B One-Step, has been shown to be ineffective for women that no one wants to have sex with. That’s right, a full 40% of the female population will see no effect from the drug, according to research conducted by it’s producer – a year after the contraceptive hit the market.
“This is an outrage,” said a shopper with horrific acne. “I mean, I don’t really ever have to use the morning after pill, but I should have access to it and know that it works if I do need it. It’s like finding out that bitching about men on Tumblr doesn’t prevent actual rapes.”
“I’ve actually never had sex, but I feel very strongly about my reproductive rights,” said her friend from underneath a fedora. “I’m saving myself for a gentlemen, and also for the autumnal equinox of 2016, when the Moon will be in it’s equestrian goddess phase,” added the large woman while thumbing her suspenders. “That’s when the celestial queen of mares will-” she continued as I walked away.
But just how exactly did a pill make it to the market without being able to live up to it’s claims? Shouldn’t this issue have come up in initial testing? How did no one notice this? Many are quick to point stubby, swollen fingers at the pharmaceutical company behind the pill, but researchers are stressing the difficulty in testing the product among these market segments.
“The problem is that the effectiveness of Plan B is entirely theoretical,” said lead researcher Dirk Mandel. “We brought in 500 men to fuck our test subjects, and not a single one was willing or able to fuck the blogger or the Wiccan.”
“It was actually a clever branding move,” boasted Ari Steinstein, VP of Marketing. “The pill is called Plan B, and it’s exactly that. For women that are attractive, Plan A is using condoms or birth control, and Plan B is our product – but for ugly women, Plan A is contraception, and Plan B is just being unfuckable. So what they need is actually some sort of Plan C pill, which we’re attempting to develop right now,” he said, drinking out of a goblet and wiping his mouth with a hundred dollar bill. “Thanks to this breakthrough in legal manipulation, we were able to get Plan B on the shelves without it actually working. All it took was some guts, brains, and the fact that 5 senators are actually robots that we created in a lab.”
But isn’t ‘unfuckable’ entirely relative? After all, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Just where exactly is the cutoff for unfuckable women?
“Generally, were talking about anything under a 4 on the Broman-Kuhlguy Scale Of Attractiveness,” elaborated Mandel. “Women in the 5 to 7 range should be fine. Well not ‘fine,’ but you know like ‘okay’, like they should be able to take the pill and have it work. I don’t mean ‘fine’ like hot.”
For the unfuckable women left behind, doctors recommend traditional methods of contraception, like healing crystals or continuing to only have MMORPG-based relationships. “Markuus and I do fine keeping our relationship online. In the World of Warcraft, we have complete control over our choice of when and if to have kids,” said Sharon, who has been using the internet method of contraception with her equally unfuckable boyfriend of 7 years. “We can also choose whether the child will be an elf or a dragon, what kind of spells it will cast, and whether it will have a dark or light allegiance.”
So for now, the unfuckable will remain unfucked – except figuratively of course, as they will continue to be America’s doughy, awkward afterthought.
The internet has forgotten what satire is, but not I. But really, buyer beware.